All those times you wish things were different you always wonder how far could you actually be in life if you managed to do your absolute best every day.
But in a strange paradoxical way “the best you could do” is exactly what you did already under the limitations you were under.
So looking at it this way, was that wasted time? Or was it wisdom you gained?
Happy New Year!
2025 is over, to some this is a good thing, to others a bad thing, I begrudgingly admit I am personally leaning more on the negative side, time only seems to be going faster, my body is only getting older, and friends seem to be all going different ways in life.
Going back to how things were is not an option, and wishing for the future to come faster is insanity. All that remains is accepting and enduring the impossible task of living in the present.
This year, 2026, I will be turning 25, depending on your outlook and living conditions it might represent 1/4 of your expected lifetime, statistically speaking most likely it's 1/3.
But what does that mean exactly? One third of a lifetime? Not everyone dies at 75, to some people two days were one third of their lives, to some, 40 years were one third of their lives, hell, I might actually be at 3/3 of my life and I don’t know it! We never know it, and that is the scary part. Putting life on that scale makes you think you have so much time before and after the present moment… Is 100% a gamble.
In 2018 I heard someone say that: “Hell is meeting the person you could have been”. I have no idea where this quote is from, but it stuck with me, something about the idea of meeting another me who achieved all my dreams, has everything I want and is happier... is terrifying to think about, it makes me angry, it makes me jealous, and it makes me sad. Sad because no matter how hard I try RIGHT NOW I will never be this perfect self, my past wasn’t perfect, and the future isn’t certain for me to bet on my life plans going smoothly. This quote is shocking in a way. It makes you think about change, taking life by the reins and fighting harder, and inevitably think “if only I did this or that...”.
But that might set a trap, this sort of wishful thinking can act like a cognitohazard. You could go infinitely to the past with “what ifs” to change your outcome so you would look your best right now. Maybe you could have started exercising sooner, you could have asked that person out, you could have studied a little harder for that test, you could have told that relative to stay home just a little longer so that they would still be around during Christmas eve this year so that the empty chair wouldn’t break your heart, you could have done so much to avoid being where you are right now. But you didn't.
The single most heartbreaking truth that we gotta deal with is that we are exactly where we are. We live in the present. It couldn’t be different, it couldn’t be better nor worse, because you have no access to the past anymore.
Time is not evil, time is not good, time simply is. We measure it to help us organize our lives, but its existence is neutral. Birthdays can be one more year or one year less.
The only thing you can change is yourself. Maybe your best yesterday wasn’t very good, but I ask again, was that wasted time? Or was it wisdom you gained?
We are memory vessels, our past builds the future in its shape. Today is the yesterday of tomorrow, so give yourself a chance, hope for the future and cherish the present, believe that things can change and try again this year. There is no such thing as meeting your menacing alternate perfect self, there is only one you. And if you choose to leave you will rob yourself and those around you of the fun memories only you can provide them, they will miss you because you make a difference.
Heya what was that?
Admittedly, this is a text adaptation of a lot of inner dialogues I had this year, reflection on choices that went well, choices that went wrong and choices that have yet to show me their outcomes.
I hope I can achieve more this year, I hope to create more things, I hope I can be less afraid to experiment and share my ideas with others. 2025 was a good start, I hit a lot of small milestones that I wish to keep building upon.
Staying hopeful is an exercise, this is not the first time I write about mortality here, but I am a firm believer that by thinking about death we allow ourselves to live with more authenticity and humility. I talk about it not because I fear death, but because I think we should celebrate life.
Happy new year! Treat yourself kindly ok? Because I hope to...
